The past few months I have been having to adjust to something I never thought I would have to adjust to. And that is people's perception of me, us and the events. For so long, just about 36yrs, I have grown up with people looking at me in what ever way that my mother dictated. Whether that meant people saw me as schitzophenic, as a liar, crazy, drama starter or so on. When people have a preconceived perception of someone it causes them to treat that person a certain way. And in so doing that person ends up expecting bad judgements, expecting attacks, expecting insults even before anyone does anything. A wall is up to try and protect themselves. In some ways I felt like I deserved them because that is what I grew up being told. But as I got older I start to get on the defensive all the time.
I also would have preconceived ideas of people. I expected everyone to judge me harshly. I felt like I always had to explain everything in great detail to try and stop people from judging me. It is all I knew. Very few took the time to actually look at the facts. Not when it is so much easier to believe the lies. Always expecting people to treat me a certain way made it very hard to trust or get close to anyone. I would try and reach out to people in various ways only to get scared and pull back, expecting the harsh judgements and treatments. Only a handful of people have I let down the walls with.
Now things are changing since posting about my children being rescued, since posting what my children's rescuer witnessed, since my daughter has shared her thoughts on here as well. People are calling me Strong, an Inspiration and other words of encouragement and support. And I don't know how to feel about it or respond. Don't get me wrong, I need the support, my kids need the words of encouragement, but after defending all of us for so long it is something I am having to adjust to. Part of me wonders when I see these words if they are talking to or about someone else. I don't see what they are calling me. I just see me. That is the only way I can word it.
As I receive your private messages to us I pass them on to my daughter, and hopefully some day to my sons. I never want her to feel the need to defend herself against the lies my mother told to cover up what she did and was doing. I never want her to worry about the harsh judgements because of the preconceived judgements of people because of those lies. I want her to be able to look in the mirror and realize just how special, strong and inspirational SHE is. This is why I appreciate your messages to us so much. We may not always know how to respond to your encouraging words but we do appreciate your support through all of this.
Return To Map Of The Blog Page