THis entry is my daughters own posting. She specifically asked me to post it here for her. She wants her story known. She wants to show the same that I and the step kids have tried to show. Just how sick and abusive my mother is and the suffering she causes. All that has been changed is the names. It is not an easy read.
The last year that I lived with my grandma was torture itself. She had become increasingly violent. My life was so hard and was a nightmare. More and more often was I thinking about suicide, more often than that, I would be in the kitchen alone and doing the dishes and would be holding a large knife against my chest, posed above my heart. The only thing that would stop me would be the thought of my brothers and that I knew that they needed me.
My grandmaothers punishments were increasingly horrible. I had a large black and blue bruise on my collar bone from her thrusting her nail into my collar bone as I would be cowarding and cornered by her fury. My ears were pierced clean through by her nails. Scabs covered them as well as other numerous parts on my body. Whenever I would come home she would grab me by the ears with her nails. She would drag me down stairs with hot blood running from my ears. She then would force me to my knees by pulling me down by the ears. She then would make something up that she said I did. I later found out that everything she blamed me for she actually did herself.
One of her other punishments was I had to wear diapers because I had been pissing in my room on old shirts. Yes, I admit it, I had been but before anyone thinks that I am a sick child let me explain. I had an alarm over my "doorway" because I had been stealing food because I was being forced to miss meals. The alarm was in such a position that if I moved slightly in the middle of my bed it would go off. It meant that I wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom for most of the day and all night. I tried to empty myself at school but I still would need to go during the day. One time I realized that my alarm wasn't on for school so I tried to go and turn it on without the alarm going off. I didn't succeed with that in the least, the alarm went off. My grandmother marched down and grabbed me by the roots of my hair, pulling it out by the clumps. She then slammed my head into the concrete wall beside me. She screamed at me then went back up stairs. I ended up with a huge bump on my head.
Sometimes I would have to wash the frying pan and dry it and the towels greased up. My grandmother made me wash the stains out in the tub. But every five minutes the towels weren't done she would go and search my room and came back with the piss covered shirt I had used the night before. She would wrap the shirt around my head so I had to inhale the fumes when I needed to breath. My lungs were already damaged enough by the suige back up from moms house, so this was very harmful to my health.
Once she slapped me upside the head then denied it. I had no good meals, she would either make me miss a weeks worth of dinners at a time or I had to eat the parts that made me gag. I had to wear diapers to school and do lines until 1:30am on a school night. She would constantly contradict me in front of me and other people. One time when she was dragging me by the ear I told her to stop and that she was going to pierce my ear straight through. You know what she said to me then? "GOOD! Ha, maybe it will teach you to stop being a nightmare child! A devil child! That's what you are, a devil child!"
She would speak horrible about my mom then say to everyone, even the guests, "I hope non of you follow in my granddaughter's footsteps and become like my daughter." She would then turn to me and tell me that she felt no feelings toward me, I looked and acted so much like my mom, I might as well as be called by my mothers name. Whenever she called me my moms name I would ignore her, it resulted in both pain and pride, as long as I even slightly didn't let what she would do affect me I was showing her that I was stronger in my will to show her that she couldn't completely control me nor how I felt.
I still had some sense in me even though I was brainwashed but even now, almost two years later I am still healing. I now will share a secret to everyone that I have only now healing from, one day my grandmother and I were yelling at each other and she said that she could kill me, she then switched that to "I want to kill you!" It shocked me. That night I cried myself to sleep.
She went as far as to lie to an officer. She had phoned the cops stating that I had just tried to kill my youngest brother. I had actually just saved him from running and tripping on the stairs and breaking his neck. The cop arrived and I told him what had happened and he said that my brother could have died had I not done what I did. I then saw fury and almost fear in my grandmothers eyes. She then stopped the officer and said that I had just lied through my teeth and that I had tried to choke my brother. She said that I was great at manipulating people to do what I wanted them to do. The cop believed her and I got a police record.
My life ended when I had arrived at my grandmothers and it got worse. I am not embarrassed to share my experiences with other people but I feel pride to being able to survive. If my brothers weren't born I would be dead right now by suicide from depression. With these words I end my tale. I love you Mom.
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