Thursday, April 14, 2016

How Blind Do People Have To Be?

I just found out my mother has changed her last name again(on FB) to the last name of the guy I was told she was dating. First this would be her 6th marriage if they are married. Second he has grandkids and possibly great grandkids that she will be allowed around and possibly care for unattended. Doesn't matter that she starved kids, doesn't matter that she abused 7 kids in sickening ways, doesn't matter that she came close to killing a couple of them, doesn't matter that my son when he was 3 walked away from her care with many cigerette burns that were deep tissue burns that even a year later had not healed, doesn't matter that he also had many fading bruises healing at different rates all over his little body showing long term horrific physical abuse, doesn't matter that I can go on and on with examples of horrific physical, psychological abuse that she did to 7 children. Doesn't matter that there are 7 victims who have begged the athorities to do something and only get excuses to protect the mistakes CPS has done. She goes on to another relationship and the ability to do it to even more children. I told people once that it would take the death of one of my children before anyone believed me. My children barely escaped with their lives. And I did prove the abuse as stated by the judge and CPS at the trial in September that she did to my children. I seriously believe she will not stop or be stopped till a child dies or becomes seriously disfigured(worse then my 2nd youngest son). And when that happens it will be a day that I scream at all the agencies and police about how they ignored all the victims and continued to do nothing. They will own some of the blame for any child hurt by my mother from the day they decided to protect CPS instead of pursuing charges.

So what happened with the police case?  First even though all the abuse happened in the same province the Crown decided to split the two cases and the excuse given was that they happened in two different towns.  So two different jurisdictions.  Which meant that even though my kids case had all the physical evidence to easily prove the abuse she committed, that evidence could not be used in the step kids or my case.  Fine they could still get a conviction with that.  But it also meant the step kids and my case could not be used with my kids case(which would have shown the timeline and that this was a long term, escalating thing for my mother.  So my kids case would not be supported by historical evidence.  Even though all the step kids and myself, and my daughter had come forward to testify along with the reports on my sons of what happened to them.  The RCMP which was handling the step kids case and my case were ready to pursue charges all the way up to last month.  Yup you heard that correctly.  And the officer I spoke to was shocked that the police from the other town had ALL the physical evidence, records, pictures, doctors reports and so much more to PROVE the abuse.  Records that I used in my trial that PROVED beyond any doubt what my mother had done to my kids.  And yet were claiming they were closing the case for LACK of evidence.  So let me get this straight.  A nobody like me with no high school diploma, only some college classes, a stay at home mom and someone with PTSD and Agoraphobia was easily able to prove in a two week trial what she did to my kids but the professionals with all the degrees and training can't?  Does that make any sense to anyone?  The RCMP didn't have any of that either.  They had the witness testimony of others though, not just us.  The officer told me that if she had all the evidence that the other police department had that her boss would push her to arrest my mom right away and pursue a trial.  She can't figure out why the RCMP have enough with just testimonies to arrest but that the police won't with all the evidence AND testimony. 

So here is why.  They are protecting CPS.  Pressure had to come down from CPS as the crown told me that it was the cops decision whether to pursue charges or not.  Yet when I talked to the officer of the other town who close the file he told me it was the crowns decision.  Right.  We have a case where my 3 children were being horrifically abused for 3yrs while under the watch of CPS.  We have successfully proven in court in September that the abuse occurred, was ongoing and as the Social Worker stated "What we thought was happening in that home and what was truly happening in that home were two drastically different things."  If my mother is convicted of the abuse of my children then that leaves CPS open to HUGE problems because my children were under their watch while she did it.  That means many social workers, supervisors and higher ups getting into serious trouble.  And not only do they ignore all the abuse but they actively pursued keeping my children there instead of returning them to me and then to cover up their GLARING mistakes they pursued selling my children off.  Never once thinking that I would continue to fight to prove my innocence.

AND I WAS SUCCESSFUL.  I have the verdict here in my home proving that FACT.  Anyone now can get transcripts to the trial from September and read all the evidence, testimonies, doctor reports and so on proving what my mother did to my children.  They can also read the multiple professionals that came forward to testify in our behave who have observed our parenting over a long period of time.  My mother can continue to lie and manipulate people but unlike me she does not have the evidence to back up her claims.  I do.  I have my records, CPS's records, the verdict of this trial, anyone can get the transcripts. 

My mother worked hard to make me out to be something I was not to cover up her crimes.  But I have to thank her for that.  Because of her constantly doing that my entire life I learned to ALWAYS keep any evidence that would show the truth.  Always be able to back up my statements.  My mother on the other hand, like all narcissists, have nothing to prove her claims other then her wild stories. 

Last month when the RCMP called me to tell me they were ready to arrest her I told them no.  Yes you read that right.  I am 40yrs old now.  I have 4 kids at home that need a mom full time, I have spent countless years fighting first to prove my innocence but also to get justice.  I won the first part but during that trial I also learned that I will never get justice and my mother will only face justice when she kills a child or seriously disfigures one.  With what the crown has done to this case to protect CPS there is little chance at a conviction and if there is one it will be a first offence so she would most likely get off with just probation.  It is not worth the stress on my family.  It is not worth reliving it all again and watching this truly evil person smile her sneer as she walks away to destroy more kids lives.  It would be as much a slap in the face as when I proved I was innocent in September and they still sold my sons. 


Now I am finally, for the first time in 40yrs, focusing on me.  Now I am focusing on my dreams and goals.  Now I am fulfilling my dream of being a mom, breeder of Service Dogs, and just seeing who I am after all this hell.  I will wait for my sons to find me and learn the truth.  And I will support them in what ever they want to do if they want to pursue justice for themselves.  I will continue to be an advocate for change within CPS, I will continue to write and give hope to other survivors.  I am NOT what she did to me or my children.  I AM A SURVIVOR!

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Friday, March 4, 2016

Sheena - My Oldest Son's Dog and My Service Dog

Sheena, a beautiful White German Shepherd, passed peacefully at home yesterday morning in her sleep at the age of 12yrs, on March 3, 2016.  She passed quietly as she napped on her favorite couch after sending the girls off to school.  She is missed by so many who loved her deeply and her life not only touched more people that I could ever list but she changed peoples lives for the better.

This beautiful puppy was born on Dec 20th, 2003.  She was destine for greatness right from the very beginning.  I had purchased her with the intent of training her to be my Psychiatric Service Dog.  Something that was still fairly new in the US and unheard of in Canada.  Seeing how medication to treat my PTSD and agoraphobia was not an option for me, she was my next option to try to have an independent life.  She flew into Montana where I and my now ex husband drove to get her.  I picked her up at the airport and didn't let her out of her travel crate till we got to our car.  When I open the cage she pranced out full of confidence.  It was February 12, 2004 and she walked around like she already owned the world.  She feared nothing and immediately came to me and licked my hand and tried to cuddle.  On the drive home she was the perfect little angel.  She settled in quickly and was adored by Isabeau who had just turned 5 the fall previous.  The next day she showed us that she feared nothing.  We took her to a garage where a friend of my husbands was working on a demolish car.  They were reving the engine really loudly yet she didn't care one bit.  Then a huge rotti walked up to us.  His head was bigger then her entire body.  So I picked her up thinking this giant of a dog might make her fearful.  Nope.  He came over and stuck his nose in her butt to get a sniff.  Her reaction was to reach down and snap at him to let him know that is not how you treat a lady.  From that point on I knew I had an Alpha personality on my hands. 

She sailed through training like she was born to it.  And frankly she was.  No matter how difficult a task she learned it quickly and easily.  Every test I put her through she confidently did.  She learned more tasks then I could even go into.  Some of which that helped with my disability was finding exits, finding a person I was with, body blocking, using her body to create a larger personal space for me.  Bringing me drinks when asked, bracing to help me get up when needed, picking up anything I asked for, finding keys, remotes or so on.  She even learned to help with the laundry.  She would gather clothes on command and put them in a basket, drag the basket from room to room and then to in front of the washing machine.  She could then do a paws up on the machine to drop clothes in, she could take them out of the drier and then pull the basket from room to room.  I used to joke that if I could teach her to turn on the machines, transfer clothes and to fold I would not need to do laundry ever again.  lol  She loved to learn new tasks.  And since I got pregnant with my oldest son 2 weeks after her arrival, I was more then happy to teach her anything that I thought would help me during my pregnancy. 

She didn't just help me.  She helped so many others.  My oldest son when born swallowed some of the birth fluid.  This affected his ability to make sounds for the first month of his life.  If he was in his crib and woke up you could not hear him even on a baby monitor.  Sheena had a solution though that I didn't even teach her.  From the moment she met my oldest son she camped out in front of his bedroom door if he was in there sleeping.  The second he woke up she would come and get me.  She watched over him like he was her pup.  She loved me, she loved everyone in the family but she lit up for my son.  He learned to walk by crawling up on her and holding her tail.  When he could crawl and then walk, he would take his blanket and favorite big stuffy into her crate and nap with her.  If you wanted to find my son you just had to call Sheena and she would let you know instantly which room he was playing in.  Those two were soul mates right from the beginning.  And now that I know my oldest son still wants to train dogs I know it was Sheena that started his love of them and created that passion.  He was feeding her himself at 2yrs old.  Walking her on a leash at 3.  People would be amazed to watch this little toddler give commands to this big dog and she would not just listen but rush to do his bidding.

My son instilled in Sheena a love of children that never died.  It was her one fault as a Service Dog.  Kids.  She just could not completely ignore them.  She thought they all needed kisses, or all needed to pet her or toss a ball for her.  Many a child that had been hurt by mauling from another dog over came their fear of dogs thanks to Sheena.  Parents would see how wonderful she was with children and would ask if they could allow their traumatized children to see Sheena.  I never said no to this request.  She seem to know just what they needed.  She would stay calm and quiet and let them approach her.  She would show her belly to invite tummy rums, she would shove a ball over to them to invite them to toss it.  She would even do the "military crawl" over to the ones who were really scared, usually to giggles by the time she made it to their side.  On one occasion she saved a child from being kidnapped.  I used to take my oldest son to a mom/tot play center.  They all knew Sheena there and adored her.  During reading time some of the kids would use her as a pillow.  Parents would come and stay or could drop the kids off to go do shopping or such.  One day a man walked in.  Not a new thing.  Both moms and dads came and Sheena never reacted. But this time she did.  She immediately looked at him and started to growl.  This alerted the ladies who ran the place as Sheena never reacted that way.  They later told me that man did not have custody of his child and had come there in an attempt to take the child without the mother knowing.  As soon as they escorted him out Sheena was right back to her normal self.  How she knew we will never know but everyone was glad she did.

Sheena worked hard as a Service Dog but she played just as hard too.  She was trained in agility and loved to show off her tricks.  But her all time favorite sport was flyball.  She LOVED it.  She was ball trained as it was for doing tasks.  So training her for flyball was easy.  For those who don't know what that is it is a relay race for dogs.  Two teams of 4 race against each other.  The track is straight with 4 jumps spaced evenly apart and a box at the end of them.  They jump the jumps, hit the box that has a ball it shoots out, catches it and then turn around and jump back over the jumps to cross the finish line.  The team that finishes the fastest with no faults wins.  She would run her paws bloody she loved that sport so much.  She hated it when we would say she had to stop so as not to over do it.  She was usually the anchor dog as she was always steady with not missing jumps.  Her fastest time was 5.4 seconds. 

Sheena also was a mom.  She changed my life so much that she created the dream of me wanting to give the gift of independence to others.  So we decided to breed her.  We did the health tests and researched to find a good stud.  And the results was a beautiful litter of 6.  One of which we did donate to be a Service Dog.  And Polar made his mom proud by accomplishing our dream for him.  Sadly he passed away last year but he changed his families life just as much as Sheena changed ours.  One of her other pups actually saved my life when my ex was abusing me.  He was slamming the back of my head against a brick wall and I could not fight back.  Ajax bloodied his paws and mouth tearing open his metal crate to slip out and attack my ex giving me enough time to get up the stairs and outside so neighbors could call the cops.  I don't know what would have happened if he had not done that.  She was a dedicated mom to her litter and they went on to have wonderful lives.  Sadly Sheena does not get to see us continue this dream but she was the foundation of this dream and as this year progresses our dream for our kennel will come to fruition. 

Sheena also helped pick my partner that I have today.  I was at a friends house, who adored Sheena, and he was visiting.  I had only met him a few hours earlier.  Our friend asked me to go get Sheena as everyone loves Sheena.  I lived across the street so I went and got her.  When I came in the door you could hear him asking what is a "Sheena".  There was a long hallway that Sheena and I walked through and then you turn a corner to enter the living room where they all were.  Sheena at this time was not a fan of men after being witness to my ex beating on me on countless occasions.  She ignored men most of the time.  But when we came around the corner she changed.  Between him and her was a large coffee table.  He took one look at her and said "She is gorg..."  before he could finish she had leaped over the table and was in his lap licking his face.  She never greeted anyone like that, ever.  Everyone's mouth dropped open in shock.  She chose him and I trusted her.

Sadly through the years Sheena lost her soul mate, my oldest son, through lies and perjury.  As I was able to show in court this past September, my children were literally legally kidnapped.  She was so depressed about that.  She never forgot my son.  Even just a month ago I could say my sons name and she would race through the house looking for him and whining.  She never lost her love for him and it broke my heart that even though my name was cleared in court of any wrong doing that led to my sons being placed and kept in care, that the court did not right the wrongs done but allowed my sons to be sold to a family who were proven to lie to professionals to keep them from their own proven loving family.  I honestly think that is why she held on so long.  She was hoping her boy would return to her so she could say goodbye.

Sheena changed many lives through the years.  By the time her PSD training was complete she was only the 2nd Psychiatric Service Dog ever in all of Canada and the first in Western Canada.  She was a part in the meetings for writing the Alberta Service Dog Act.  She was so well mannered and well trained that the people running the meetings thought she was facility trained.  They were shocked to learn that she was owner trained and I used how good she was trained as a basis to get people to consider testing for Owner Trainers to do be able to train their own Service Dogs.  We were advocates for Owner Trainers and Disabled people who work with Service Dogs.  We opened many businesses doors that were previously closed to Service Dog users, we changed many business people minds.  All it took was them meeting Sheena and observing her working and they would give us the time to teach them their rights.  Sheena got to be so well known that business would ask us to do presentations to their staff about Service Dogs, working with disabled patrons and their business rights.  She also knew with an uncanny ability to tell when people were depressed or having anxiety or panic issues.  If she was not on duty at that time she would go an alert for others as well.  She would attempt to help them as she would help me.  People would be shocked when she would do it for them and when I asked them if they were ok they would tell me they were upset or anxious.  Many a person, adult and child, cried on Sheena and accepted her comfort and support.  Her greatest joy was being able to show everyone love.

Her last years were spent watching her family grow once more.  First with our beautiful son Nico.  She was so happy the day we brought him home.  Then Isabeau coming back home as well.  Then this summer her pack grew by 2 more.  Another son and daughter.  She will be remembered by all and will never be forgotten.  I will never be able to repay her all the love, confidence, independence and so much more that she offered to me and everyone else.  She had 4 feet and a tail but she changed the world for everyone that let her. 

We love you Sheena and you will never be forgotten.

For pictures:  Sheena pictures

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Friday, January 1, 2016

Saying Goodbye to 2015

After the year I had had I had 0 desire to write anything more in that year.  So decided to wait till this morning to do my New Year post.  2015 was not a great year though we did have 2 amazing things happen.  One is our family grew.  I can't go into details about this yet but it was something we hoped and dreamed about and never thought would happen.  This made for a much more amazing Christmas Holiday Season for our family.  The other amazing thing was finally clearing my name of all the lies my mother and my ex tried to convince everyone of and that kept me from my sons.  Having a judge state in open court that I never abused my children or was an addicted, after 7yrs of fighting to prove this, was indescribable.  And it did show my sons were legally kidnapped from me all based on the lies of the people who actually did abuse them.  And sadly they, my daughter and myself have a life sentence now all because the legislation protects the people adopting children and not the birth families.  I can't imagine what the couple who has them will tell them when the truth finally comes out.  Will they deny knowing the truth?  That will be hard to do since I proved in open court that they were informed and that they not only knew but lied to the professionals evaluating my sons for the trial.  Lied to the point that even the departments own child psychologist stated over and over again that he found it very concerning and then shook my hand in the end stating I was the most professional self litigant he had ever encountered.  How will they explain to my sons that they were a part of legally kidnapping them from their birth family.  How they actively sought to cut contact between them and their sister and mother all because they wanted to "own" them.  Adoption is suppose to be for children who do not already have loving and fit parents.  How will they explain to my sons that my name was cleared.  I was innocent and yet they still actively sought to kidnap my sons from their family.  They can try all they want to deny it but just like I used the departments own records to show the departments corruptions, the couples lies to the assessors, I will be using those same records to show my sons the truth when they find us.  And they will find us because my daughter and I will never stop making ourselves known so we are easily found.  They may get a few years of my sons to themselves but it won't last forever.  Another positive is we found out we are grandparents.  Doug's oldest, who is in her 20's, had a beautiful baby with her husband.  This is an exciting chapter for us both.

Since the trial so really hard things have happened.  First is we discovered my oldest son's dog has cancer.  She turned 12 this past December.  She has a large mass in her abdomen.  She no longer can be fed any type of kibble.  To keep her healthy and her weight at a good level she is still getting raw but is also getting cooked meals every day.  She is fed 4 times a day now.  So far she is doing ok.  It broke my heart when I found out, soon after the trial was over.  I knew I would not be able to keep my promise to her of having her boy being able to see her again before she goes.  We don't know how many months she has left and if she even has months.  Right now we are just taking it day to day.  She is still active at times, though has really slowed down, still trying to protect our home and family.  We are not pursuing surgery as she is too old to handle it.  We prefer to keep her comfortable and when she shows us that her quality of life has deteriorated to the point that she is not happy or comfortable we will give her the final gift. 

Another negative and the most scary thing was 2 weeks prior to Christmas I ended up with sever pain in my abdomen.  I brushed it off as menstrual cramps as I was lightly bleeding.  Thanks to all my mother did to me mentally I always worry that when I go into the hospital for some reason they will think the issue is not important enough to be there. I have no issue taking my children in when needed but when it comes to myself  getting up the ability to bypass my anxiety and agoraphobia at times to go in is almost impossible.  I told Doug that it was just cramping though in reality I was in extreme pain, and went about my chores and daily routines as normal.  Doug left with Nico to do some pick ups for Christmas on Sunday the 13th.  The pain had gotten to the point that I could barely stand so I went in to have a hot bath and planned to take some pain killers and go to sleep to try and sleep it off.  By the time I got out of the tub I felt like someone was cutting me in half.  Isabeau opened the bathroom door, thinking I was still in the tub, to let me know Doug was home and saw me leaning over the dryer holding back a scream.  She ran straight outside to get Doug.  Isabeau knew pain never stopped me from doing things that needed to be done so when she saw me in that condition she knew something really bad was wrong.  Doug came racing in and handed Nico to Isabeau.  All I said was "I need to go in."  He knew exactly what I meant.  He quickly got me dressed and into the van.  When we got to the ER and I gave them my symptoms they let us right in.  Which is shocking as wait times are usually really long.  They got me on pain killers right away which helped as at this point I could neither stand up straight or sit down. 

The doctors said they need to do an internal exam as I tested positive for pregnancy even though Doug and I use protection.  This is hard enough for me to do even on the best of days with being a rape survivor.  But the pain was terrifying me so I told them to just do it.  For those that know me that is not normal for me.  I didn't even argue about the IV or blood tests(and I have a needle phobia).  From that test they decided on an ultrasound.  The initial one didn't have viable results so they had to do an internal one.  Even with the high dose of pain meds this was excruciating and I held back many screams.  The tech was so nice and kept apologizing and trying to keep me talking.  But about half way through she got silent.  Doug and I knew then that something was seriously wrong.  We went back to our bed and waited for the results.  And that didn't take long.  The doctor came back with a surgeon. 

They explained I had an ectopic pregnancy.  They said my 2 choices was do nothing and die or have surgery.  They said they figured the pregnancy was in the right tube.  I was in complete shock at this point.  I asked how long till surgery and they said the issue is so sever that they would call everyone in that was needed as soon as I signed the forms.  This blew my mind as it meant my life was literally at stake.  I signed the forms and Doug put in the calls to our friends for emergency support to go take care of the kids.  In less then an hour from signing the forms I was up in the surgery suite.  This was around 11pm.  Doug went up with me but as soon as they took me away he headed for home to check on the kids and get some items.  He said he would be there when I woke up.  I was completely terrified as the surgeon explained every surgery has it's risks. 

I remember waking up for a bit after surgery shivering so hard and painfully as people around the room we taking care of their duties and me.  The next memory I have is waking up to Doug asleep in the chair next to me.  Then again to him asleep on the floor in the corner of my room.  Only once did I ask for pain relief.  I am not a fan of how the narcotic pain relief makes my head feel.  Thanks to the pain meds though I didn't feel too much pain.  The surgeon knew of my PTSD and agoraphobia.  So he gave strict instructions for me to be on bed rest for a whole week and very limited duties for 2.  No heavy work or picking up items for 4 weeks.  He didn't know me well.  lol I got to leave the hospital by late Monday afternoon.

 I went home still in shock and not having processed all the past two days occurrences.  The next few days was dealing with sleeping and pain.  All I allowed myself to think about was what needed to be done for all the kids for Christmas.  I was so worried about disappointing them.  After 4 days I was back to wrapping gifts, 6 days I was trying to do other things.  I even found a way to help a local group with Christmas Hampers for families needing help by donating freezer space.  Doug had to take the first week off but thanks to our incredible friends and a family who heard our story we got some help to cover food for Christmas since Doug had to take that week off.  Our Christmas was relaxed and happy and the kids had a great time.

Now I am processing what happened and what could have happened.  The surgeon had told us that the pregnancy was actually in the left tube and that it had already burst by the time he cut into me.  That is how close I came to death.  If I had done my plan of pain meds and sleep I might not have woken up.  I would have died with 0 chance to say anything to my sons.  This terrified me and still does.  I came so close to losing my life before ever being able to hug them and tell them how much I love them.  Both my tubes were removed.  So now not only did I come close to death but there is 0 possibility of Doug and I having the gift of any more babies.  Some days I am ok with this.  Some days I cry about this. 

One thing this scare did was cause Doug and I to look at our relationship.  We have been together now for over 6yrs.  We have both been in long term relationships before and usually by this point there were so many negatives happening in the relationship that we knew it was on the way out.  Doug and I though realize our relationship is the complete opposite.  Every year we get closer.  We depend more and more on each other, we communicate better.  This scare really showed us that we are 100% sure we never want to be apart.  Our home, even with so many huge things happening, is so relaxed, happy.  We are both on the same page for our short and long term goals.  We work great together.  He has made sure to show me or tell me each day just how much he loves me and appreciates me. 

I have 0 issue with saying goodbye to 2015.

Our hopes for 2016?  Well my oldest son will be turning 12 and I hope soon he will seek us out.  Isabeau did when she was 14.  My door will always be open to my sons and I will never turn them away.  Our other hope is to finally start my dream again of my kennel of breeding exceptional dogs to produce puppies that could be Service Dog candidates.  These pups we will donate to trainers and facilities, or individuals(who have a trainer to help them) to train to become potential Service Dogs for disabled people.  I had to put this dream on hold for years to fight the battle for my children and to clear my name.  Now we are in a position to start it up again.  So hopefully this coming year will see our family coming together, maybe contact with my sons again(I will never stop hoping for this), and hoping to see one of my dreams come true with the Kennel. 

Another hope is that I will finally get to meet my dad again.  It has been 29yrs since I last saw him.  I was 10.  Every year that goes by since we found each other 3yrs ago scares me that we might not ever have the chance to see each other before something happens to either of us.  My children deserve a grandparent like him in their lives.  I want to meet my 5 brothers.  I want to get to know my extended family.  Healthy family.  Maybe it will happen this year.

Thank you so much to all my friends and family who stepped up when we needed help with no complaints or issues.  I hope 2016 sees a great year for everyone.

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Wednesday, October 28, 2015

An Adoptive Mother Fighting For The Rights Of Biological Parents

As you know I am not one to post others blogs but again in less then a month I find a writer that I must acknowledge on my blog.

Adopting Mothers Must Lead the Fight Agianst Unethical Adoptions

This writer is a mother.  An adoptive mother.  And she fights for what she calls ethical adoptions.  She says it is the duty of any adoptive parent to ensure that the adoption they are pursuing is an adoption that has been willingly consented by all parents unless there are very clear signs of abuse or neglect. 

This writer has earned my respect in spades.  She says the same as I have.  That adoption is about finding families for children who do not have loving parents who are capable of taking care of them.  Not about providing children at all cost to adopting parents to choose from.  She even goes on to say that that means if an adopting parent finds out that the adoption was not ethically done that it is the adopting parents ethical duty to ensure the rights of the biological parents are upheld and that the child they claim to love has the right to be raised in their biological home first and foremost.

So where does that leave the couple who has my sons?  They know, and have known for a very long time, that what they were told about how my children ended up in care and about me was lies.  They also know I have been cleared of all abuse and cleared of ever being an addict.  Would this woman, also an adopting parent, consider them ethical in the fact that they know I am fit, they know I am able and they know I am willing and have been for many years(since prior to the PGO being granted).  My children were placed with them because of lies and unethical workers.  Yet where were they in fighting for the rights of my sons and their right to be returned home to their one true mother? 

As this lady goes on to say, my sons will grow up.  They will ask questions and I will make it very easy to find me.  This couple can't shut me up and they can only shut me out for so long.  What will be their answer to my sons questions when they find my blog and learn the truth of how they were legally kidnapped.  How will they explain how they condoned my sons kidnapping?  How will they explain how they condoned the cutting out of their sister from their lives and the couples part in that?  How will they explain the lies they were told by the workers and the couple about me and their sister?  Their perfect "family" unit is on a path that they are not prepared for.

Unlike them though I do have the answers.  I don't need to think up more lies to cover more lies as they will have to.  I will show them all the proof and evidence I have when they find me.  This couple can buy them all the stuff they want and take them on all the trips they want to.  But none of that will save them from the truth coming out.  None of that will stop my sons from finding me and when the truth is learned all of what this couple did to have this "perfect family" at the expense of the destruction of their biological family, the reaction might be the complete cost of what they deem are their sons. 

Maybe they should read this article and learn about what ethics are and what adoption is meant to be.

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My Letter to Rachel Notley and Justin Trudeau

I wrote to them this morning.  I will let you all know if I get a response.  I will continue to write to them and others till we are heard.  I have proven over 7yrs I will not go away or stop.  I have no intention to now.

"To the leader of Alberta and the leader of this beautiful country I have always called home. My name is Nicole. I am a 39yr old mother to 4 absolutely beautiful children. I am also a voice to victims of childhood abuse, rape, domestic violence and of the Children and Family Services of Alberta as well as a voice for justice for those the police ignore in their duties to serve and protect.

I was born and raised in this beautiful country that I always thought was a place of freedom and justice. I always trusted the justice system and those in charge of our government and working for government agencies. Call me naïve but I always thought truth would always conquer lies. Well I learned a hard truth this past September after a 7yr fight.

Just a little back history to understand where I am coming from. I was raised by a severely abusive mother. A woman that has gone on to abuse 7 children all total. Myself, 3 step children who are now adults and my first 3 children. Even though I went to authorities about the abuse many times(first time when I was 16, then again when I was 19, and again in 2013), and even though 5 of the 7 victims of this womans abuse came forward to police willing to testify and giving their statements in the 2013 investigation, and even though they had doctor reports of cigarette burns to a 3yr old(resulting in deep tissue trauma that was still there and not healed a year later), statements of having to eat thrown up dog food, statements of having urine soaked shirts wrapped around their heads till their eyes burned, statements from victims of repeated death threats, of being left out in sever cold and the elements with no protective clothes and in some cases just their underwear, pictures of one of the children in a malnourished state along with multiple bruising, statements of being tied to beds and chairs for hours on end, statements of being locked in rooms from 5pm at night till 7am in the morning with no access to bathroom. I could go on and on. This woman has never been charged. Not once. We the victims keep being told there is not enough evidence and that because of the fact she abused us all in different cities(though same province) they are required to split up the investigation so that the supporting evidence to the abuse of my kids does not help the step kids or my case. As well as the supporting history and evidence of the step kids case and my case(which shows the history and cycle of abuse) can not help my childrens case. My daughter who is 16 and was brave enough to go to police and give her statement is feeling totally abandoned by our justice system. The police excuse for not even talking to the abuser is that she refused to come in to the station. So a serial child abuser can walk free and not even be charged with her crimes just because she refuses to talk? Is that justice? 5 victims(4 of them adults) come forward to police willing to testify and still no charges are laid even with picture evidence, doctors reports, community witnesses and the victims own statements along with Child and Family Services records backing up everything stated is not enough to have an abuser charged so that the victims can have a voice at trial? Could you please explain to me why that is?

Again a bit of back story. Because of being raised in horrific abuse(only the tip of the iceburg is listed above), I followed the usual pattern and married someone who ended up also being an abuser. We had 3 beautiful children together but he was also an addict which I learned shortly after the birth of my 3rd son. I also have PTSD and Agoraphobia because of the abuse I was raised in and being raped at 12. After learning of the addictions of my husband I went to my doctor in Dec 2007, like we are advised too, to get help for post partum depression. I was depressed, not suicidal. He put me on medication. Both of us not realizing that I am susceptible to the rare side effects. One of the side effects of the medication he put me on was suicidal thoughts and tendencies. Within 2 months I was so depressed I was suicidal. But my doctor did not realize the medication was the issue. Because of that and my husband(at the time) addictions Child and Family Services stepped in. AS THEY SHOULD HAVE. I needed help. They removed my children and placed them with my mother, even though they knew her history of horrifically abusing myself and her previous step children. With in a few months my children stated to show the signs of trama and abuse. But my mother convinced CFS that I was abusing my children when I visited or called them. During this time the medication kept me in a deep depression and because of having a mental illness CFS prejudged me. They offered me no supports in the small town I resided in.
After a year and a half(in May of 2009) my new psychologist in a new city I moved too, realized that it was the medication and took me off of all of it. My life stabilized completely. The October previous I had got a new therapist and attended group therapy at the victims of domestic violence run in the Womens Shelter and continued to attend for over a year. I learned so much I left my ex and never looked back. I fought like crazy to get my children back but because of my mothers lies, the prejudice of the workers I never had a chance. I was not an addict. I was not a criminal. I had never abused my children, though my mother convinced them I had, all the while she was abusing them herself. I had to resort to video taping all visits(every week), audio taping all meetings with workers because the lies were coming from the workers themselves. But no matter what I did, regardless of legislation in the CFS Acts stating they are to do all they can to keep the domestic violence victim parent with the children, I lost the PGO in Nov of 2010. I was naïve to family court then and to working with lawyers. As soon as trial was over, yet a month before a verdict CFS cut my contact with my kids. No termination visit, no goodbye offered. Nothing. Yet no safety concerns noted.

Now I know most people will think this is just an angry abusive mom who rightfully lost her children complaining. That is where my story is different. After the PGO was granted and all contact terminated I still didn't give up. I knew it was granted on lies. And doing what any person would do if falsely accused and having their family ripped apart, I never stopped fighting to clear my name. My new partner(since the fall of 2009), and now fiancé, and I knew there was literally nothing we could say or do to prove my innocence. The prejudice against mental illness is that strong. That we decided the only way to prove I was not what I was accused of was to have another baby together. After 6 miscarriages we were blessed with a beautiful baby boy in the fall of 2012. 2 months prior to him being born I was made aware that in the spring of 2011, 5 months after the PGO was granted against me and the permanency plan was for my children to stay at my mothers, my children had been removed from her for exactly the horrific abuse that I and the step children had been saying was happening all along. I learned this from a community member who witnessed some of it. I had repeatedly emailed workers and called them asking for updates and to send gifts never once being told this happened. Because of my son showing signs of a cleft in utero though we did not contact CFS right away. Our community support worker(Bridges is what they are called and they are mandated reporters who are funded through CFS and who we brought into our home when we were 5 months pregnant) knew all of this. We decided to wait till he had his first 2 week check up at the Children's Hospital before contacting CFS in the town my kids had been at for re-evaluation. But my daughter(then 14) changed that by contacting us after he was only a week old via FB. She had been told I didn't want her, had abused her and could not take care of a child. She immediately demanded to see me. Her worker was not happy as she wanted my children to be adopted and told me straight to my face that it did not matter how the PGO was granted but that it was granted and my children no longer belonged to me and there is no obligation on the departments part, no matter how the PGO is obtained, to ever re-evaluate the biological parents. And that I was living in a fantasy land if I ever though I would get my children back. She didn't know me. I immediately went to the police, as they never did even with the condition of my then 3yr old upon removal from my mothers. And started the investigation into my mother and her abuse with all 3 step kids agreeing to testify as well as my daughter.

My sons in the fall of 2012 were matched with a prospective family yet no meeting had taken place by the time I contacted their worker. The worker rushed the meeting and rushed them into this couples care at the other end of the province and then cut contact between my daughter and her brothers with no explanation to my daughter as to why once she and I started having visits. Then she passed my daughters file on to another worker. THis worker actually read the file and admitted to my face that grievous errors had been made. That I never abused my children or was an addict but since she did not have my sons file she could not return them but she could return my daughter to me. June of 2014 my daughter was permanently home. Dec 2014 her PGO was rescinded. In the spring of 2014 I learned of the new legislation that allows a parent to file to have the PGO reviewed by a judge. I immediately filed. I had no lawyer, I had no legal help what so ever. What I had was an intense knowledge of this case that no one else had, I was a mother who had never given up proving I was fit, able and willing. In June of 2014 I received full disclosure from the department of my childrens file and I was completely appalled by what I saw. They knew of the abuse. My mother turned on every person working with my children and her within 2 months of contact with me being cut. Even knowing and having doctors records, witness statements and so on of the abuse they still did not go to police, seek child lead therapy for my children or even contact me admitting their mistake or to work with reuniting my children and I. They instead proceeded to cover it up. I demanded a trial. I was bringing ever professional support person I had brought into my life to show my fitness to trial. I had proven so well that my home was fit and I was mentally capable of parenting that I never lost custody of my 4th, got my daughter back and now am on a journey where our family will be growing even more. CFS here in the city I now reside in has deemed us fit and when a criminal records check was done my partner and I are both cleared for the vulnerable sectors search. I had 6 professional witness, all working for, funded for, or contracted with CFS here in my city testifying to watching me parent regularly over a long period of time and to how fit I am. The trial was 2 weeks long. I self represented.

And the verdict? I was CLEARED of ever abusing my children. I was CLEARED of ever being an addict. The judge deemed me fit, able and willing to take my sons back. So why do I not have them in my custody? Because of legislation. The Alberta legislation is written so that no matter how a PGO is granted that after it is granted, if the parent can't afford to appeal within 30 days of the verdict(my case), that there is 0 obligation to ever consider the parents for re-evaluation. It does not matter if you prove clear prejudice. It does not matter if the workers involved in pursuing the PGO admit in hindsight that they were wrong and if they could go back they would not pursue removing my children from me(I have their own records to prove this). It does not matter if you prove omitted facts, prove altered records, prove the workers perjured themselves. It does not matter that you can prove clear prejudice(their own records show this). So because they cut contact between my sons and I with no court order and refused to re-establish it no matter the hundreds of times I asked, because of "Best Interest of the Child" I lost part b of the trial. My sons, my daughter and myself now have a life sentence of never seeing each other. Why? What crime did we commit? I was cleared after fighting to prove my fitness for 7yrs. Fighting incredible odds to do so. My children were literally LEGALLY KIDNAPPED. Is that the justice system in Canada. That a parent can commit no crime, prove they are innocent of all charges and still lose their children permanently?

I am asking for an investigation into CFS (city names removed). I am asking for an investigation into my childrens file and the workers involved as I can assure you the criminal acts shown in their own records is appalling. I am also asking for an investigation into how this legislation in Alberta is written. No family, who proves they are innocent and fights so hard to get their children back, should have a life sentence of being destroyed while the actual abuser and the workers who did not do their jobs continue to do what they are doing. If a family proves they are innocent and shows they are fit then the family should be reunited with access to all supports to help that reunification happen. I have fought for 7yrs to clear my name. I won that. I will continue to fight to have my story heard till someone, somewhere stops this from happening to anyone else and my family finally sees justice. I can assure you I am not going away.
My partner and I voted for you. We saw you as a man of integrity, justice, and a family man. How long would you fight to have your children returned to you if you knew you lost custody on the lies and lack of ethics of other people?"

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Sunday, October 18, 2015

My Middle Son Is Now 8yrs Old

Happy belated b-day MY son.  Sorry I couldn't post yesterday.  We were not home the past few days so had no ability to post to you on your special day.

Yesterday was a hard day for me.  You were constantly on my mind.  I thought about the 9 1/2 months I was pregnant with you.  How sick to my stomach I was during it.  I thought about the terror I felt when I started to bleed in the 8th month for working my body too much.  I wanted you from the second I knew you existed.  You were such a mover that your name, which means baby seal, was easy to decide on.  I could feel you doing flips and moving around a lot.  You had zero desire to leave my belly.  You felt so safe.  When you were 2 weeks late I tried to have you induced without medication several times.  Never worked.  So finally the doctor decided to spread a cream on me that would induce contractions.  Within 30 minutes I was in agony.  I had never in my life felt pain like that.  The only thing that kept me going was knowing you would be my reward at the end.  For 5 hours I went through the most painful labour I would ever go through.  Even your little brother who was 2lbs heavier then you was not near as painful.  I knew it had to be the medication.  My labor with you was the shortest out of you and your 3 siblings though.  So thank you so much for that my sweet boy. 

When they laid you in my arms I was completely exhausted and so were you.  The first 24 hours was terrifying as the medication from the epidural made you so tired you had little desire to breast feed.  But once it was out of your system you chowed down happily.  You were a complete joy right from the start.  You were a very happy baby.  You loved to smile and giggle.  Nothing phased you or bothered you.  You were strong as well.  Within a week you could lay on your belly, push up with your hands and arms and hold you head up and your upper chest up for a few seconds.  You also like to stand.  You would constantly push with your feet to try and stand up.  You loved to be a part of everything going on.  We even took you to flyball competitions.  You would shriek with joy as the dogs barked and ran their course.  The noise did not bother you at all.  Between heats you loved our friends coming over and holding you.  You were a very friendly and relaxed baby.  You could even sleep through the non stop barking.

Your crib was right beside my bed.  For the first 5 months of your life you never left my sight.  It was the worst day of my life when they came and took you away.  I will never forget that day for as long as I live.  I needed help my son but I never did anything to deserve losing you and you never did anything wrong to deserve to lose me or your siblings.  I never abused you by sweet boy.  I never was an addict as so many have tried to lie to you about.  You will grow up hearing the worst lies imaginable about me and my life with you and your siblings.  I wish I could ensure you heard the truth.  You were always wanted and I am and was fit to raise you. 

I am so sorry that during the 3yrs you were with your grandmother that you were put through such horrific things.  I cried so hard when I read many of what you had been through from your file.  You never did anything to deserve those things.  It was never your fault.  I know you most likely don't remember me or our many visits.  But you felt loved by both me and Donald Duck as you and your older brother called him.  You never stopped laughing with us.  Your smile was infectious and your appetite was huge.  You loved my cooking so much you always begged to take it home. 

I am so sorry you have been ripped from your real family.  A crime has been committed to you, your siblings and your entire family.  A crime that should never happen to any child or family.  YOU ARE A KIDNAPPED CHILD!!  YOUR BROTHER IS A KIDNAPPED CHILD!!  And some day you will both know the truth.  Just because the legislation and a piece of paper says you are someone elses does not change the crime that was committed.  It only made it legal kidnapping.  I have been cleared of ever abusing you.  Which means the PGO that was used to cut me and your sister out of your lives should never have been granted because it was granted on falsified information, proven perjured information, omitted facts and clear prejudice.  And since the PGO should never have been granted that means I committed no crime that would have made it legal to adopted you to someone else without my consent.  And I never consented.  I never agreed and I never stopped fighting to bring you home or prove my innocence.

I will make sure the world knows that this government legally kidnaps children from parents who are not only fit but have cleared their name.  I and others will work hard to change the legislation to ensure this never happens to another child or family.  That will be your and your brothers legacy.

Some day you will find this blog.  Some day you will know the truth as the truth has a way of coming out.  May take a while but it will.  Know on that day my door is always open.  No piece of paper will cause me to ever accept another person as your parent.  You will always be a member of this family and every child in it will grow up knowing who you and your brother are.  You have a much larger and growing family then you know right now and every single one of them know your story and love you dearly. 

Happy 8th b-day my son.  I hope it was a great one.

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Tuesday, October 13, 2015


If you think what happened to me and my children never happens please check out this recent story:

Parent's Cleared of Abuse Yet Denied Return Of Their Child

Society sadly has the misconception that if a social worker makes a mistake, if the parent can prove they are innocent, if they change their life around, that in the end they will get their children back.  That is simply not the case.  Social workers can ignore the rules of their job.  They can make judgments solely based on how much they like someone with no evidence to back it up.  Leaving parents desperate for help to save their family as their children are legally kidnapped from them.  Knowing they are innocent yet having to suffer a life sentence of pain and suffering.

If someone is wrongly convicted of a crime they are granted their freedom along with an apology.  If it is proven in court that people perjured themselves, lied on court documents, falsified records and so on then the judgment is thrown out against them.  Their records cleared.  So what happens to a family who loses their children because of lies, workers not doing their due diligence, prejudice and so on?  They may be cleared as I have been but they will be required to forever suffer a life sentence because in the family courts the adopting families have more rights and more protections then the biological family.

I reside in Canada.  When people think of Canada they usually think of a free country.  Where people have rights and freedoms.  Where families are protected and safe.  Really?  In my case the judge pointed out that even though I proved I was fit, able and willing, had been proven as such for a very long time, proved that I never abused my children, proved that I was never an addict, even proved that the one person making all the false allegations against me was actually the one abusing my children in horrific ways.  Along with proving that the workers lied in documents meant for court, proved their falsified information to cover up their reasons for decisions, proved they did not do their due diligence, proved they did not investigate any abuse of my children by the monster abusing them and were clearly prejudice against me because of my mental illness.  And yet even with proving all of that I and my children all will continue to suffer a life sentence.  Why? 

Where is our justice?  For 7yrs I have had so many people turn on me, lost many friends, been looked down upon, seen as a liar, an abuser and addict all because of the lies of the actual abuser and of the department.  I had to fight tooth and nail to prove that I was not any of those things.  My life has gone through so much unnecessary heart ache and pain.  Yet where is my crime? 

In Canada if a PGO is granted against a parent and if they have no means or ability to appeal in 30 days then there is literally nothing they can do to get their children back if the social worker does not want to give them back.  You can prove all that I did and there is nothing in the legislation requiring them to return your children.  They are protected under the "Best Interest Of The Child". As after the PGO is granted their job then turns to adopting them out. It does not matter if workers admit they should have never pursued the PGO(as they did in my case).  It does not matter if they admit in hindsight that they did wrong by the family and if they could go back they would never do it again(as they did in my case).  It does not matter if you are cleared of ever abusing your children or of ever being an addict.  It does not matter.  Don't take my word for it.  Go read the legislation of your province.  There is 0 protection of the biological parent after a PGO is granted no matter what you can prove after.  There are no checks and balances. 

The legislation is designed to protect the workers ability to take children from families to provide a diverse selection of children to adopting homes and those homes will have all the protection that the government can provide.  All the legal expertise, all the medical supports, all the financial supports if the biological parents try to fight the injustice that they end up proving.

Do I feel bad for the adopting parents in this case.  A little.  But not enough to say the child should remain with them.  Why should a biological parent suffer a life sentence, and a child the same, when they have been proven innocent?  They carried that baby for 9 months.  Went through the hopes and dreams and planning of bringing this special little one into their life.  They went through the physical and emotional pains for 9 months to bring them into this world.  It is not right that a government can walk in and take a child on lies and sell them to someone else leaving the parents to continue to suffer.  Laws and legislation needs to be changed to protect those families that prove their are innocent.  It should be mandatory that if a family proves they are innocent and the wrong doing was on the workers part then the government should have to pay the costs for all the therapy and supports needed to reunify the family who has been through hell and back.


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